Skin-Crawlers

The first thing we worry about before we leave the house to face the world is how we look. If we look in our bathrooms, there are probably a million appearance-enhancing cosmetics; shampoo, soap, hair gel, razor and so forth. And it's amazing what a blow is served up to our self-confidence when we don't feel we look our best. I know I'm definitely guilty of obsessing over the way I look, grooming and preening trying to look the best I can.

These days, the streets of Melbourne are full of men who look like they've just finished another day on a Vogue photo shoot. And sometimes if can feel like nobody wants to know you unless you look like that. But I think I can hold my own against these mannequins. For those who don't know what I look like, I am definitely not the model type. I don't have washboard abs and rock-hard pecs or the perfect trendy hair style or anything like that. But I'm slim, fashionable to a level commensurate with my income and, I think, attractive enough. So, aside from a few things I would change, I'm generally pretty comfortable with the way I look.

But we all get self-conscious sometimes. The solutions? Attention from complete strangers. Occasionally, when I shuffle through the Melbourne streets in my unobtrusive, space-economising gait, I've seen girls trail off in mid-conversation with their friends and turn their heads to follow my path of movement as I walk past. And once there was this guy at JB's phone section who, just as I walking past, rushed up to me and, with a big smile, asked me if I needed any help (I wasn't even heading in his direction!). Okay, maybe that's a little over the top but when something like that happens, it certainly is a huge confidence booster when you're feeling down.

As comforting as it is to know you're attractive to someone, sometimes the stranger doesn't always conduct themselves in a respectable manner. That's when we enter a grey area. At work, there is this courier who comes to my department every morning. He is probably in his 30s and speaks with a lisp at an almost falsetto pitch; very obviously gay. Of course, I have nothing against gay men, since I'm gay myself. But each time I see him, he jangles my nerves and I shudder involuntarily. What draws this visceral reaction from me? The first time I opened the door for him, he literally looked me up and down, licked his lips and proceeded to salivate profusely while not bothering to pick his jaw off the ground. He then wailed in his jarring high-pitched voice, "Oooohhh, helloooo!"

I feel extremely uncomfortable when subjected to his daily leers and jeers, his eyes scrutinising every minute detail of my body. I thought, "Okay, maybe I'm just being sensitive." After all, I'm not openly gay at work and maybe the presence of another gay man just heightens my paranoia of being outed. But even my friends at work have noticed his disgusting behaviour. If I'm not there when he arrives, he looks around the department, hoping to catch a glimpse of me. Now I have an agreement with my workmates that when the courier arrives, I run off and hide and they would open the door for him.

Unfortunately I may be the mark of something close to sexual harassment. The courier's behaviour isn't so lewd and extreme that it warrants reporting. But I feel like a boundary has been crossed here and it's enough to make me run and duck for cover. So it seems that my daily grooming and upkeeping habits has attracted some unsolicited attention. Nevertheless, I will keep making sure that I look my best. I will not let a perverted individual disrupt a ritual that imbues me with confidence and pride.