BB & P'n'P

I've always been gay. Now I'm not going to make the argument that people are born gay or whatever. It's just a pure fact that I've never been attracted to girls. In any case, it took me a while to accept who I am. And in the process of doing so, I've slowly dipped my toes in gay culture to see what it's all about. I don't particularly adhere to the gay stereotype or go clubbing every week but I have learnt that the gay scene is this entire sub-culture, a world within itself with its own etiquette, rules and language.

Not being a scene-guy, all my friends are straight so my contact with the gay world has largely been in the form of visiting sites like Gay Matchmaker and the like. As I was perusing the profiles, I was bombarded with all these acronyms and terms that were like secret codes within an exclusive society. For example GWM means gay white man, Poz and Neg means HIV+/- guys respectively and I've learnt recently that BB means bareback and P'n'P means party and play.

For those who aren't gay, bareback means to have anal sex without protection and party and play means to get hammered on drugs and then screw your brains out. I've seen profiles on personals sites that say, "Looking for BB and P'n'P sessions." Excuse me for sounding like a prude but aren't those extremely dangerous activities? The gay community is plastered with advertisements that expound the importance of safe sex to reduce transmission of HIV and other STIs. Why are there guys out there willing to put their life on the line for a night of 'fun'? It's not just the health implications of STIs that scare me to death. I've read stories of lives completely ravaged by disease; people abandoned by their partners, people losing their career trajectories due to illness, living in poverty and squalor, relying on government and the AIDS Trust's assistance and the like. All of which could have been prevented by a little rubber device.

To me, partaking in such risky activities indicates an underlying self-destructive streak. The concept of the self-hating faggot isn't one too difficult to grasp. Our society doesn't look too kindly upon my kind. We are the subject of constant ridicule and subtle but pervasive attack. You only need to look at the commercial success shows like Queer Eye or movies like Chuck and Larry (with Adam Sandler) to see that we're seen as these ineffective, useless anomalies. And that's how society likes us. When put in this context, it begins to make sense.

But more destructive perhaps is that, living in a society built on Christian values, each generation is indoctrinated with homophobia. And stories of the internal conflict inside a kid who happens to be homosexual is all too common these days. A particularly painful childhood memory of mine is any argument between my brother and I would inevitably end with him invalidating my very being with the expletive 'fucking faggot cunt'. And God hates fags apparently. To this day, we don't talk. I did a lot of self-destructive things back in those days and I remember spending my teenage years lying in bed, wishing I would die in my sleep so I wouldn't have to spend another day as a faggot.

But I never understood how love between two people, regardless of being the same sex, is seen as a sin on par with murder. Or how discrimination, ridicule and violence against gay people is seen as acceptable or even laudible practices. And I still don't understand. Today, I'm a happy gay man because I refuse to accept this irrational doctrine. It's the world that's warped and twisted, not me. And I will not live by its standards.

Fortunately I learnt to shed my self-destructive streak in my teens. Otherwise, I could've been a guy that posts 'ISO BB and P'n'P sessions' on my profile. I hope the world will come to its senses and sees what it's preaching doesn't make any sense. In the meantime, I will continue to contribute to the AIDS Trust to help my gay brothers who were not as fortunate as me.