At A Crossroad

So anyway, my 25th birthday is coming up and unlike most people who bask in a sea of festivities and gifts to commemorate another year's survival, I sink into a state of complete depression when this time of year comes around. In the few weeks leading up to it, I can't pull myself out bed, none of the music I play comes out right (unless it's Rachmaninov's Prelude in C# minor - a study in agitation) and all my friends try to avoid me because I am definitely not good company to say the least. I suppose I get like this each year because I feel like I haven't really achieved much with my life.

When I say achievement, I guess I really mean career movements. Yes, like everyone else, I have a degree with honours but after completing my degree, the thought of pursuing a path in that direction makes me, even now, shudder in complete disgust. So for the past few years, I've been working a menial office job that isn't going anywhere and spending my spare time mulling over thoughts of what I should do with myself. And now, 3 years after my stint at university life, I'm pretty much still no closer to deciding what to do with myself.

Actually no, that's not true. I have always felt a calling towards medicine. But even so, given that it's such a huge commitment and the job is wrought with responsibility and obligation, I still have huge reservations about stepping down that road. And while I've signed myself up to sit the entrance exam more than once, I brain seems to resist absorbing any information when studying for it. And with the exam coming up in 3 weeks, I definitely have no hope of passing. So perhaps my body is telling me I'm not ready to commit myself to medicine. So I guess that means I'll be putting off the exam for another year. But having made that decision (yet again), I still can't help but feel I'm dilly-dallying, wasting time. Time is definitely not on my side but I can't force myself into doing something I don't feel ready for.

So instead of sitting around brooding over the exam and medicine for another year, I've decided to use 2008 to get things out of my system. For example, I have to learn to get over this debilitating shyness of mine and date more, to put myself out there more and meet new people. Who knows what would come my way if I do but I think it's definitely a step in the right direction. Another thing is I have to leave my relatively well-paying part-time job and find something more productive and developmental in terms of gaining experience for future career opportunities. And lastly, I have finally decided that I would like to experience the European lifestyle later this year. Sure, I'll be spending my savings but it is something you should do young and while you have the chance. So Europe, here I come. It definitely is a scary move for me. In fact, I regret writing it already because I fear I won't put my plans to action. Nonethelss I need to be shaken out of my comfort zone and saying it puts it one step closer to reality.

Everyone is afraid of getting older. And justifiably so because as age increases, time decreases and you realise that things aren't what they used to be. I think I put off doing a lot of things because while I know the number arbitrarily assigned to me which denotes the amount of time I've been on this earth slowly grows, I can't seem to shake the feeling that the number is supposed to be a lot smaller than it really is. And I become a train-wreck each time my birthday comes around because it's a very painful, cruel and incontrovertible reminder of the incongruence between what I am and how I feel. But maybe that's not such a bad thing. At least this way, I am jolted from my state of stagnant complacency and will venture out there and see what the world might have in store for me. Maybe then, I'll be one step closer to being happy.